My Worst Habit

I've said it so many times before.  I need to write more.  I need to study Spanish more.  And just like most New Year's resolutions, these actions become inaction.

I'm still trying to figure out what is going to motivate me to do both of these things regularly (hopefully, daily). Today I was overcome by the need to have a calendar that I could write my to-do list in (to-do: write, Spanish).  I stopped at CVS because I couldn't wait and picked up a cute little calendar planner that goes all the way through 2013.  And now, on every single day (except weekends, maybe), I'm writing down how long I study Spanish and what I write about.  Keeping tabs of what I'm doing on a daily basis and the progress that I'm making will hopefully keep me accountable.

Another tool that I'm going to try to use, which I've referenced before, is "The Writer's Block - 786 Ideas to Jump-Start Your Imagination."  I never thought of my imagination needing a jump start, but it totally makes sense.  I often feel like I need to be motivated by a song or an event or something in order to write.  But if I end up letting that happen, I will just be waiting around.  I need to be proactive, which is why, although prompts and fiction aren't usually my thing, I'm going to use the book.

So...let's not waste time.

The first randomly-picked prompt: Write about your worst habit.

I lie.  Sure, everyone does it.  And the reasons that we do it vary just like us.  Maybe we're trying to spare someone's feelings.  Maybe we don't want to get in trouble.  Maybe we're scared of what the other person is going to think of us if we don't answer the way they expect us to.  I fall into that last category.  I lie because I don't want to lose face.

The small lies began in college.  During my freshman year, I found myself at a crossroads that questioned everything I had ever believed to be my calling since I was five - did I want to be a veterinarian or not?  The answer was no and I had to move on to life calling number two.  I might as well have stuck my hand in a hat and drawn out a random profession.  My odds of becoming an engineer were practically the same as becoming a journalist or a clown in the circus.  The journalist slip got pulled from the hat and I had to figure out where I fit in in  a world of beats - the sports beat, the crime beat, the city beat? So I did what any good college student would do; I tried to fit the mold.  I became a sports reporter because it was what I had the most interest in.  I watched baseball with my grandpa.  My dad had taught me the (general) rules of football. I was hired.

And there was where lying came in.  I couldn't hack it like the other sports reporters.  These were guys, for the most part, who thought the first regular season NFL game was equivalent to Christmas on the excitement scale.  They talked in stats.  The words that came out of their mouths only had to do with sports.  I wasn't like them.  I liked the human feature side of sports.  What made athletes tick?  Why did they do what they did?  How did they start doing what they were doing? Weren't they scared?

But people expected me to know what Chris Johnson's 40 time was.  And all of the intricate rules of football.  And which team had won the 1972 World Series.  I didn't know those things.  And honestly, I didn't have any desire to ever know those things.  What good is it to know who won the 1972 World Series - that answer only comes in handy on Jeopardy.  At this point, I started to lie and fudge the information I did know.  When surrounded by a bunch of sports reporters, I would keep quiet and listen A LOT.  I would interject when I did have a tidbit of information, but not until then.  I would hope that they wouldn't see the fear that they might expect me to answer some obscure question.

Now, as a college graduate in the working world, I've found I have carried this habit over to my regular life, and in particular, my job.  I can't lose face - I can't let my co-workers see me as anything less than an extremely knowledgeable person.  I say I know what a specific term means even when I've never even heard the word.  Or I lie and say I totally know what site they're talking about when I clearly don't have a single clue.    

It's a bad habit.  And I'm trying really hard to make myself realize that it's totally acceptable to not know everything.