Unable to Build

"It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail."
- Lech Walesa


The return of the pain. Frustration (noun). A total loss in confidence. I feel like a balloon that has been punched, not just deflated. Then anger comes from deep within, from the place that is cobbwebby and that I just don't like. He can run. That heavy-set woman can run. Everyone on this huge stupid planet can run. Apparently it doesn't matter whether you actually have a desire to run. Then sadness takes over. Remember when I could go out for 10 long ones? When I had my sights on a half marathon...I was gonna be in the bigs. And now. Four minutes of running for every six minutes of walking makes me wince. Helpless.


Frustration (noun): a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs

Coming Back Stronger

It would be cliche to call it one of "those" runs. What I didn't know is that it would be painful. And revolutionary. And one of the most awesome and disappointing runs that I'd ever been on.

Here's how this all happened. On December 23, I went out for an eight-mile run. I had less than a month before my first half marathon. The run was perfection. I was on pace. I was moving like I'd never moved before. The last mile was clocked at just a tad over 7 minutes. I was stoked. That race was mine for the taking.

And then the pain. Top of the foot and unrelenting. A horrible ache that took over my consciousness.

Suffice it to say that the next day, walking was a chore. A painful chore.

It'll get better. I just need a little rest.

I thought those things over and over and over...

A week and a half later, it wasn't better and the rest was making me anxious. I had a half marathon to run in two weeks. Fifteen days to be pain-free and confident enough to run those 13 miles. The confidence was what I was really worried about. Training and endorphins can get you pretty far in a race, but your belief in yourself is what gets you across the finish line (call Hallmark, that's a winner).

So then, like anyone who is grieving, I started to negotiate.

If I don't run between now and the race but stay healthy and positive, I can do this.

I thought those things over and over and over...

I had to pull the plug.  I couldn't run my first half marathon injured. And man, was I injured. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Drained and hurting.

Somehow it was easy to tell people that I wasn't running the race. Injury, especially when people had seen me hobbling around, was a perfect out. I felt a weird sense of relief that I wasn't running the race. The pressure was gone. The worry about whether I was going to run in pain was gone. It as a little scary how ok I was with not running.

And then the real need-endorphins-must-take-charge-of-everything part of me kicked in. I couldn't be sitting around, wallowing in the story that "I was injured and just needed some rest". That wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was better than that injured person that I had become so easily and freely.

I made a doctor's appointment at one of the top sports medicine clinics in the South Bay. I got sweet x-rays of my feet. Unfortunately, nothing showed up on them. No definitive diagnosis other than overuse came from that doctor and a script for physical therapy and anti-inflammatories were the only things I had when I walked out the door.

Turns out, the physical therapy was much better than the pills.

After some poking, prodding, stretching, testing and videotaping, the physical therapist deduced that my upper thighs and groin area were SO tight that they were affecting the way I was walking. Yup, I was told I was walking funny because the tightness was inhibiting my body from performing the way it was naturally supposed to.

It's been about three weeks since that realization. I've been doing my stretching exercises religiously and staying positive about my recovery. These are the small things that are going to change me and get me back on the right track.

I go back today for another physical therapy appointment. I'm hoping this one is the one where he says, "You are ready."

Ready for the pavement.

Ready for the early mornings again.

Ready for the feelings that I had that day in late December.

Minus the pain.

Losing (and Using) My Mind

 By Fatima Azimova

I recently stumbled upon the Run Barefoot Girl website, which is run by Caity McCardell, a barefoot runner (of course).  She does a podcast that focuses on women who run barefoot, who she thinks are underrepresented in the general population of barefoot runners.

I listened to an episode of her podcast with Dr. Cindra Kamphoff, a sports psychologist (and more specifically, a running psychologist) and was truly intrigued.  I have always been interested in the mind part of sports and how what goes on between our ears can have such a profound effect on how we perform on the field or on the dark streets in the morning.

Dr. Kamphoff works at a sports psychology consulting practice that specializes in the psychology of running.  She had several points that I thought I might explore in this post:

1. She suggested having a mantra that you repeat during hard runs or when you need a little motivation.  I've heard this on numerous forums and in Runner's World before.  Using a short quote or positive refrain can often help you focus on what you are doing and remind you of the reasons you run.  I've actually never had or used a mantra.  I've noticed that if I do repeat something over and over again in my head while running, it is the catchy part of the lyrics of the last song I heard while heading out the door.  It's almost as if these lyrics are "running" through my thoughts without being heavy or burdensome - it doesn't feel like I'm actually thinking them.  They seem to just be thoughts that my brain is repeating.  I guess the same thing could be true of a mantra.  Maybe I'll try to come up with a mantra that is personal and special to me and see if it works out.  Do you have a favorite saying that you use to pump yourself up?

2. Why is it that we don't train our brains while training our bodies?  We spend so much time doing fartleks and tempo runs and sit ups but we don't work out our minds.  Maybe it's because it's easy to get tips and tricks for every type of workout under the sun, but getting mental advice is few and far between.  Also, mentally, you are different from the next person.  And while a tempo workout can be modified based on your half-marathon goal time, what your brain tells you in the middle of a long run is not going to be the same as anyone else.  This part can be frustrating, because as someone who wants to learn more about how to train my brain, I would probably need to get a one-on-one consultation with someone like Dr. Kamphoff and wouldn't be able to "self-diagnose" (which believe me, I wouldn't want to do). It just seems that if I am really dedicated to getting into my own brain, I'd need someone to help me and wouldn't be able to do it on my own.  If you know of other ways to go about doing this based on help books or other materials, I'd love to hear about it.

3. Dr. Kamphoff had a really interesting point, saying that we need to go through the several stages of grief when we get injured.  Being a runner inevitably means that you are going to be injured.  You are going to feel aches and pains that make you question why you run in the first place.  But she suggests that it is ok to feel upset about being injured, but then move on to accepting that you are injured and stay positive about your recovery.  This really struck a cord with me today, especially, as I am starting to feel some top of the foot pain again (sigh).  I was in a really low mood early this morning when I woke up and realized that things hurt too much to go out on a run and that I should instead rest a bit.  While I definitely made the right decision, it still didn't make me feel any better...everyone hates being sidelined .  But as I got through the day and took into account Dr. Kamphoff's advice on accepting the "injury," I started to focus on what I could do to recover and get back on the right track.  And I understand that this isn't a full-blown injury that would cause someone to totally and completely lose faith in all things good, but it was still a small blow to my happiness.

So, what's my conclusion to all this?  Remember that your brain is in charge of everything, so take care of it and take the time to train it.  Believing in your mental abilities and being mentally tough can change how you physically feel and react to certain situations. 

Bring On the Peas

I decided something today.

I have to take care of my body.  That is why I am taking this week off from running and icing my foot as much as possible.  No running.  Hmmmm....

Ok, let's take a step back.  I'm feeling a little twinge on the top of my left foot, which I have felt before.  But this time, it's hurting a little bit more so I don't want to take any risks - I don't want this to become a full-blown stress fracture. 

Also, I should disclose that I'm not one to NOT take care of myself and my body.  When I start feeling a cold coming on, I chug as much Emergen-C and hot tea as I can.  Preventative measures always work better than trying to tackle these types of situations as they happen.  I've been trying to ice and stretch as much as I can to keep my body limber and happy.

This time seems different to me, though.  This time, I'm ok with not running for a week because I know that it is better in the long run for me (get it ... long run ... heh ... heh).  This time, I'm not frustrated with being "injured."  Somewhere along the line, I've come to the realization that running is hard on anyone's body.  It is inevitable that things are going to hurt and time off is usually the best healer.  Time and frozen peas, which are my lifesavers.

Now that I've come to peace with injuries as part of the joy of running, I feel really good about this decision.  Although I have to ignore the pull to get out in the morning, I am trying to relish the warm moments in bed that I have instead.  I'm going to do some elliptical cross-training and weight lifting, but will focus on getting my body feeling better and healthy.   

I know I've made this post all about just one week off from running.  And in the grand scheme of things, it's not a super big deal.  But for me, I want to commemorate this week because it is the first time that I've acknowledged that injuries exist and that I need to be ok with that.  And I am.  So, later, when I start complaining about how injuries are horrible and how I can't stay positive when I can't do the one thing I want to do, remind me to take a look at this post.  Hopefully I'll keep my cool and go grab a bag of frozen peas.